January 3, 2012
Day 1:
Ok, so my fiancee and I started a diet/lifestyle change as of today. I figured it would help if I write down how I feel, etc to try and keep me on track. It’s not easy right now. Today is only day one and I’m doing so-so. When thinking about dinner, unconsciously I thought of picking up a pizza from Pizza Hut and realized that I’m programmed for fast food and convenience. Sure, it’s way easy to stop and get something easy to eat, but that’s also what’s put me at 345 lbs.
I’ve always been overweight. Have been since I was a little kid, but this is the most I’ve ever weighed. When I lost my job back in November 2009, I ended up taking a full time position at a previous employer that I was extremely unhappy at. That was the reason I had left in the first place. But it was either take the job or face dire consequences financially. I had no savings whatsoever and no other options so close to the holidays. And with the job market the way it is, that job is where I’m at today. In the 2 years and 2 months that I’ve been back, I have put on exactly 65 lbs. On average, that’s only about 2.5 lbs a month, but over time it sure makes a difference. 2.5 lbs a month has meant moving up 5 pant sizes in 26 months. Extra stretch marks. Loss of confidence. Avoidance to pictures. And everything else that goes along with a drastic body change.
As I said, I’ve always been chubby, but I was the kind of chubby that was well hidden. It was hidden in major curves that I was confident about. My lowest pant size was a 12 and I was thrilled with that. I loved my curves and felt confidence and sexy all the time. I spent extra time primping each day. I always had smoky make up, perfectly coiffed hair and wore stylish, unique clothes. I wouldn’t dream of leaving the house looking unkempt. How things have changed. These days I live in minimal make up and ponytails. I haven’t worn a pair of jeans since March 2011 since nothing fits me comfortably anymore. I stopped buying jeans when I hit a size 26 because I became so ashamed when they started fitting very tight. If you were to look in my room, I have a plethora of clothes in varying sizes. I could basically use my bedroom as a boutique with the amount of clothing I own. But very few of it gets worn. The only things I usually wear are sweats, baggy cropped pants and over sized t-shirts and muscle shirts. For work, I have a small stack of extra baggy dress shirts that I choose from and lose dress pants. I can’t stand seeing myself in anything else.
And yes, I know I could have done something about this a lot sooner. Over the years I’ve felt my clothes becoming tighter and lots of things stopped fitting all together, but I ignored it. I would start crash diets and then drop them within days or weeks. So what has changed this time? Well, the main reason is that I’m getting married in 6 months. The other reason is for my health. In the past few months I’ve been diagnosed with fibromyalgia and polycystic ovarian syndrome. I also discovered that for the first time ever my cholesterol is high and my blood pressure is skyrocketing. My doctor has put on medication to try and help, but only weight loss will make the biggest impact. My fiancée and I have also started discussing having children. If I get pregnant while weighing so much, I know I’m putting myself at risk for severe complication including gestational diabetes.
So how do I feel today? I feel confident that I can do this and slightly headachy from the caloric change. As I’m typing I’m eating some yogurt and a rice cake to try and ease the sensation. This always happens to me for the first few days. Tonight I’m looking forward to making dinner together with my fiancée. We plan on making whole wheat pasta with chicken and broccoli. Cooking together will ensure that we keep each other in check and help us bond throughout our “lifestyle changing” experiences!
I'm out for now! ~*A*~
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